Step5...........deep down

Trusting that the sharing of the "not-so-nice-about-me-stuff (my perspective of course)" will not result in more shame is of paramount importance to me. There needs to be a format that is to be followed and the main point is that there will be absolutely no feedback unless I ask for it. I will ask for feedback, by the way, and I will live with the the feelings created thereby! Imagine how effective and how much more productive we could be if we knew everytime we talked that we could relax and talk uininterrupted from the heart until we were finished, with no feedback unless we asked for it. I can sense the potential differences at the deepest level. The world's people have decided they do not have to control me and change me to be a way that will make THEM happy-what a dream-freedom at last to be who I am-wow!
This predetermined type sharing format allows me a comfort that promotes real sharing from the heart and should new things arise as I speak, I will not be afraid to express them because I feel safe (no unpredictability is creating fear). I have found someone like this who happens to be a professional. My personal preference here has a lot to do with my sense that after I have done as much as I can myself and with 12 step confidants, I feel my questions likely require response on a professional level (don't misunderstand me here, the sharing with other 12 steppers/partners/sponsors at intimate levels and one on one, is very important and in my opinion should not be avoided).

As with so many fellow 12 steppers, clinical depression is an unwelcome part of my story. As part of my 5th step, this problem takes up far too much attention. I try not to give it power by focusing on it, however, come step4+5 time I take a good hard look at it and share in depth what it feels like to me. This is another reason why my sharing partner here is a professional. He is aware of my history and can objectively see change-good bad or indifferent.

My step5 meeting is this Friday and without expectations I go in the hope that, as has always been the case in the past, I will return encouraged with a renewed sense of direction. Generally, to the degree that I have done my part in the digging and sharing, to that degree the results of this meeting will be successful. I feel good about my part. The rest is pretty much spiritual and I will seek God's help every inch of the way